


Keep Holdin On

by angrybirdcr



Category: Actor RPF, American (US) Actor RPF, Chris Evans - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Healthcare Worker, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Isolation, Medical, Medical Conditions, Medical Examination, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Procedures, Medical Professionals, Mention of Death, Mild Language, Panic Attacks, Quarantine, References to Depression, Virus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:22:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27883717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrybirdcr/pseuds/angrybirdcr
Summary: You are a healthcare worker in the frontlines during the COVID pandemic working at Boston’s Emerson Hospital. The emotional weight of it is taking a toll on you as you watch familiar faces falling sick and dying; what you didn’t expect however, was not seeing your husband for months before ending up isolated and fighting for your life as you become another victim of the virus. Will you make it through? Or will your husband’s tear stricken face be the last thing that you’ll see over the phone?
Relationships: Chris Evans (Actor) & Reader, Chris Evans (Actor) & You, Chris Evans (Actor)/Reader, Chris Evans (Actor)/You
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	Keep Holdin On

**Author's Note:**

> **DISCLAIMER: Sadly, I don’t know Chris Evans or anyone from his circle, or out of it, or at all for that matter. So, yeah everything is a work of fiction and as such it does not intent to reflect the real activities of Chris**
> 
> **Pics are for reference only and they’re not meant to be a literal interpretation of the details hereby described (included but not limited to, to reader’s appearance) // Pics taken from Pinterest, credits go to their respective creators // CREDITS! Cute dividers by the incredibly talented @firefly-graphics **

##  _****Dedicated to all the frontline workers who are tirelessly working during this pandemic– carrying the heavy physical, psychological and emotional weight of it all over their shoulders**** _

[ ](https://ibb.co/YNSwY3M)

**//You can also find me on[Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/angrybirdcr)** **//** [ **Wattpad** ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.wattpad.com%2Fuser%2Fangrybirdcr&t=YzY1ODkyNDIxMWIzZDE4ZWJhYTZiOWEwMjA5YTk2MjgxYzAwZTdkYyxZZ1JQUVZ1Ug%3D%3D&b=t%3AgmEdYPWOo7LQsSkhsT2c6w&p=https%3A%2F%2Fangrybirdcr.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F626158052774641674%2Fregina6&m=1&ts=1605660250)

**A/N:** I thought about posting this for a while, mostly due to my fear of not being able to make it justice, caused by my lack of personal knowledge about the frontline’s protocols and everything that it involves. But _why not?_ They deserve to have the entire world shedding light into what they’re going through, how they’re fighting with everything they got, even at the personal cost of being apart from their families and the risk of losing their own lives. So, this was written with that in mind, I can’t promise for this to be a perfect piece, but it was written from the bottom of my heart to all of them.

##  _**Theme Song:**_[ _ **Keep Holding On**_](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DsiNEod63Ie8&t=ZWNmZDFhMTdhMDM1YjliNzJlMjhkNmU1NDM4M2UwMTVmNjRhNmUzNyxkMGQxYTU1ZTllNjQ0NzcyNDEzNGRhMjIwMDFhYzkzMDQyODFkN2Jk&ts=1606956972) _ **by Avril Lavigne**_

> _**Note 1: I DO NOT know the USA Hospitals visitation management amidst COVID** _ _nor do I know the personal shifts protocols of healthcare workers, other than what can be found online._ ** _This fic’s focus lies within the emotional burdens on the healthcare personnel and their families._ ** _For reference, I took inspiration from_ [ _THIS IG post_ ](https://angrybirdcr.tumblr.com/post/636090432948994048/can-you-see-now-this-is-not-a-game-this-is-far) _and_ [ _THIS YT video_ ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DCPJrLGmz1xg&t=MDY4MzAwYWY0OWI0NjlhZjJmODlhNzMyYWRhZDNhOGNjZDBiZGE3ZCxjZjRiNjVhYjdiMjBjMzEzYzZjM2E3N2I2NzUyMDlkMTIwMmFiNjUz&ts=1606956972) _, but there can also be found a lot of different_ [ _articles online_ ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.newyorker.com%2Fscience%2Fmedical-dispatch%2Fwhat-fighting-the-coronavirus-feels-like&t=YWY4YTIxNzg0NTcyM2IwNTc1MDNhZGJlZTZlODBjYjhhZGE2YjA0OSw4NWIzZGQ3ZGViNmE2N2MyOTk4ZDI0MzViYjMyYTQ0ZGY4ZWIyZmY4&ts=1606956972) _about the emotional weight all medical personnel are suffering right now and the obstacles that they’re facing in the midst of the pandemic_

> _**Note 2:** _ _Some of the song lyrics from the chosen theme song are included in the fic and can be easily identified in_ ** _BOLD, ITALIC,_ ** _and smaller Quotation_

> ##  **_Your media consumption is your own responsibility!_ **
> 
> ##  _**March 2020** _
> 
> You looked at the clock loosely hung at the wall, the little annoying hands moving painstakingly slow, each second making your hands sweat and your heart race
> 
> **_2 weeks_ **
> 
> That’s how long you had been at the hospital without going home and working almost inhuman shifts, you were exhausted and wished for nothing other than to take a _looooong_ warm shower and to stay in nothing but one of your husband’s shirts tightly snuggled against his chest. Yet, you knew that it would somewhat get worse and you just couldn’t wrap your mind around it. With the clear out from your boss you took out your purse and literally ran out the doors, going straight to home. The white paper laying inside the envelope making you release a deep sigh of relief
> 
> **_It was negative_ **
> 
> The virus test came back negative, so after a hectic week with no rest and having only seen him by video chat, now you had the certainty that you could actually go ahead and do more than _just_ snuggling with Chris.
> 
> You crossed the doors, dropping your keys on the plate, not before sanitizing yourself and every single item with you, from _keys to phone, wallet, shoes…_ all of it thoroughly sprayed with your disinfectant solution to ensure you left all germs in the entrance. You could hear they were home upstairs, you hadn’t told him you were coming home so you took that to your advantage by silently walking into your guest room downstairs to take that much needed shower before facing him. You realized that it actually wasn’t as long as you wanted it to be, but your anxiety to see him was skyrocketing so you rushed to get off asap. You were thankful that you had remembered to still keep some of your basic belongings from both of you for cases like this, so _it worked just fine. Especially since the house allowed for such sound proof calmness_
> 
> After washing your scrubs aside and sanitizing your washer afterwards, as silently as you could, you carefully walked upstairs with a big smile on your face, drinking in the sinful sight in front of you, bare chested Chris in nothing but a pair of boxers with Dodger snuggled on the side
> 
> “How are my boys doing today?” You softly said, chuckling at Chris’ shocked expression and breaking in a loud laugh at Dodger’s happy outburst, before petting him and ushering him out the bedroom.
> 
> “You home!!” He matter-of-factly said with a shit eating grin on, basically jumping off bed to grab you in his arms before taking you into a searing kiss “ _Mmmm_ … I–I missed that” He hummed in delight at the feeling of your lips on his. You nuzzled your nose against his “Why didn’t you tell me that you were coming? I’d have waited for you with something… I dunno, maybe some hot dinner or something?!” He sighed, clear disappointment of not being ready to welcome you shown on his face
> 
> “Hey, babe… _It’s okay!_ ” You said, lovingly cupping his bearded face in your smaller hands “I actually wanted to surprise you… Two weeks is a long time, I just really wanted to come and see you” You tightly hugged him, reveling into his hypnotizing smell, he had just showered too it seemed and his shower gel deliciously mixed with his own personal scent drove you crazy
> 
> “It’s everything okay?” You heard him say, he was always concerned about what you day or days were, especially after you had explained to him how draining this job was. His warmth seeped through your skin as you laid your head over his heart, letting the peace of his heartbeat to soothe your tired soul
> 
> “ _Mhnm_..no” You shook your head before looking up to meet his eyes, your hands entwined behind his back “It was a terrible week…” You could feel your voice starting to waver, the memories and held back emotions coming to the surface 
> 
> “Hey, _what’s wrong?_ You know that you can tell me right?!” He softly said, wiping a stray tear with his thumb, as the other hand sneaked around your waist
> 
> “Can we get into bed first?” You asked, taking his hand into yours and getting beneath the covers, your head over his chest. The dreadful feelings that you had been locking up all week were now been exuded through uneven rumbling in your chest, he could feel this as he started to tenderly caress your hair and dropped soft kisses on your temple
> 
> “Everything is getting worse Chris… not just at the hospital I mean. We got a notice this week from the CDC to get ready for what is to come” You paused, getting impossibly closer to him looking for the comfort that only he could give you “This virus is rapidly spreading around and it’s worse than what we initially thought… _people is dying, and it’s coming here_ ” He attentively listened to you
> 
> “How bad…??” He cautiously asked, he knew that some things you couldn’t say but others you needed to let out 
> 
> “As in general lockdown and massive chaos… Please, stay home and don’t go out unless strictly necessary _bad_ ” You hadn’t realized that you were crying until you felt him rubbing comforting circles on your back
> 
> “Hey, _Sweetheart_ … Look at me–” He said, showering you with tender affection “ _I’m here, darlin… I’m here”_ He repeated, letting the words get through you. You nodded
> 
> “ _I’m scared_ ” You confessed, getting lost into his cerulean orbs “This is bigger than what any of us think Chris, I’m afraid people are not getting it…” You shook your head “This is not just a mere flu that you get over with some drugstore cough syrup” Angry tears matched your outburst “Thousands **_WILL_** die and… _**WE**_ ’ll be the ones to presence it all” You watched him swallow a lump, shifting in place
> 
> “I can see where you’re coming from, _love_ … I’m not gonna say that everything will be fine but science and medicine is so advanced these days, they will come up with the vaccine and I’m sure that it will work out… ” You felt a knot form inside you, as his words brought forth your worry
> 
> “But that’s the thing Chris–” You briefly stopped, sucking in a shaky breath “ _ **What if things don’t work that way? What if coming up with a solution takes longer? What if they can’t figure it out?**_ It’ll only continue to spread like wildfire… What’s worse–” Your voice cracked as you voiced out your real fears “ ** _What if anyone from our family gets sick or YOU? And what if they don’t make it?_** ” You said, showing him the vulnerability that was eating you alive “ _I wouldn’t be able to stand it…_ to see them or you to go through that and not being able to do anything about it” You said, collapsing on him as the weight on your shoulders dropped over him too, his bulky arms holding you tight as if to keep anything bad from coming close to you. You could hear his breathing patterns change too, so you knew how affected by your words he had become as well
> 
> “I know that right now, no matter what I’ll say it might not be what you’re expecting…” He said, slowly pushing you away just enough for you to look at him straight in the eyes as he spoke “ ** _Whatever that happens from now and on, we’ll get through this together_** ” He heavily emphasized the last word, cupping your face into his hands “I know how hard this job gets for you–” He paused, taking a sharp intake of air “ _BUT_ , Whatever it is, **_DO NOT_** _keep anything away from me, do you hear me?_ ” His soft expression of knitted brows and teary eyes matching your own making you feel as if a knot had been loosened up
>
>> _** You’re not alone ** _
>
>> ** _Together we stand_ **
>
>> _**I’ll be by your side** _
>
>> _**You know that I’ll take your hand** _
>
>> _** When it gets cold ** _
> 
> “Even if you just need someone to shout at, or to cry with… _you know that I’ll be here, just one phone call away_ ” As he said that, you threw your arms around him crashing your lips with his, his hands instinctively circling your body into a possessive yet loving hold. And soon passion took the wheel from you
> 
> That night he made love to you as if it was the last time that he would ever do it to you. His ever passionate and powerful loving coursing through your veins like molten lava, a never ending all-consuming feeling that turned you into mush. You surrendered to his perfectly aimed ministrations as exhilarating ecstasy shook you to your core, over and over again until you lost count. And you returned him the love with equal fervor.
> 
> _**Little did you know what was awaiting for you…** _
> 
> ##  _**August 2020** _
> 
> _**Heat, rush, stress, anxiety…** _
> 
> Everything was passing like a blur. As the days turned into nights and nights turned into weeks… You could not believe that now it had been months since you last went home. One patient in, another one dead… _again and again and again_ , like a never stopping merry-go-round. At first you had tried to keep your cool, Chris’ words constantly echoed in your mind
>
>> _“Whatever that happens from now and on, we’ll get through this together”_
> 
> But, _would you? When he was there and you were here?_ When the hours blurred into tumultuous weeks filled with _sweat, tears, sore muscles and an aching heart_ ; a constant adrenaline rush that compensated for your overworked body and missed meals and lack of sleep, or how someone told you: ‘ ** _you were running on fumes_** ’ as your lungs overexerted themselves to get the oxygen moving
> 
> You picked up the dropped pen as you scribbled the last notes on the patient’s file. You had just lost another one. ‘ _Mrs. Jensen_ ’. That was her name, you personally knew her, _how not to?_ She used to live in the local nursing home that Chris and you used to visit every month. Now, _she was gone_ , she was gone and there wasn’t anything that you could do to stop her from leaving. You had watched in horror as her heart monitor flatline, she coded, you tried but there wasn’t anything left to do. 
> 
> _You announced the time of death_
> 
> _She was alone_
> 
> By the time that you reached her room she was already in her last minutes of life. Even then you had tried your hardest, just like all of the others… _Mr. John White, Mr. Richard Hill, Eryn Adams, Ellie Rogers…_ you knew them all, and even those who you didn’t you still remembered their names, _every single one of them_
>
>> _** And it feels like the end ** _
>
>> _** There’s no place to to go ** _
>
>> _** You know I won’t give in ** _
>
>> _** No, I won’t give in ** _
> 
> _Neighbors, acquaintances, the close family members of your local shop owners,_ gosh even your old landlord’s wife! This wasn’t what you signed up for, you had become a healthcare worker to help people _**heal**_ , to feel better, not to sign on their death certificates. _How were you going to inform her family?_ This probably had to be the umpteenth time in the past few months that you had to communicate the passing away of someone, your throat felt like sandpaper and the words did not seem to pass through the narrow canal. Watching and hearing the nurses and friends crying in the corners, _where they thought that nobody heard them and when they believed that nobody saw them,_ rightbefore they had to rush again to help another patient, just like you, only added on to the already heavy emotional toll
> 
> #  ***** 🩺🥼*****
> 
> _“So, Chris, we got one question everyone is asking us about…Your wife is a healthcare worker in the frontlines right now, is that correct?”_
> 
> The interviewer asked him, he inwardly sighed, he had hoped for a question like this not to come but he knew that it was bound to happen
> 
> _“Yeah, that’s correct. She has been tirelessly working at the hospital for the past few months, You know COVID19 has widely spread and our front liners are giving everything that they have to help us as much as it’s in their power; actually we haven’t seen each other in person as she remains as part of the dedicated team of healthcare workers stationed at the COVID Unit. And I couldn’t be any more proud of my wife”_ He simply managed to say with a soft smile, breathing in relief the moment they cut it off and farebid goodbyes. He anxiously ruffled his hair as he closed his laptop before looking at his phone the nth time of the day
> 
> **_You hadn’t called him yet_ **
> 
> As matter of fact you hadn’t done so for the past few days, other than an occasional text saying ‘ _ **I’m okay, love you!’**_ , that didn’t help his case. He was dead worried about you, especially since the last time that you spoke over the phone you just sounded so broken. You had told him about the increasing cases and the reduced beds, the dwindling resources and chaotic supply chains, the crying nurses and the tired staff. He had tried his best to support you in any way that he could, he had actually even taken the initiative to contact every possible medical supply chain to ensure that your hospital, and other medical centers nearby, were better equipped to handle this up, something that greatly appreciated. It hadn’t been the first time that he had done something like that, he did so even before the pandemic, he loved to help others, but this time around it was different and the impact was bigger even if the gesture was the same.
> 
> _But this just wasn’t something that he could solve._
> 
> As much as he knew that you were doing your best trying to save lives, it was killing him to know that you were risking _YOUR_ life. He remembered, you had once told him about your erratic eating habits when under pressure and long shifts and right now that you weren’t even coming home, he couldn’t but wonder how you were doing. You weren’t telling him anything that would give away the real state of your mind and body and he could only guess in what shape you must have been by now.
> 
> “Hey, Chris! How are you doing bro?” Scott asked him, noticing his brother’s miserable expression
> 
> “Don’t start now Scott” He groaned, burying his head on his hands
> 
> “ _I’m not!!_ ” He motioned his hands in mock surrender “I’m geniously concerned about my brother… I know it has been hard without the _missus_ around here” He softly said, taking a seat next to him
> 
> “She hasn’t called me, and she is not answering my calls either. _I’m afraid that something is wrong_ ” His words laced with the fear that was eating his soul up
> 
> “She told you she would be really busy, maybe she just doesn’t have her phone with her. Don’t jump into conclusions just yet. _She wouldn’t just ran away from you like that”_
> 
> Chris knew his brother’s words were true but not seeing your face, not knowing more was nerve-wracking for him. This was the longest that he had ever been apart from you, after his filming away but even then he had seen you, whether he had flown in to Boston to see you or you had gone there to Atlanta to surprise him. _**Never like this.**_
> 
> “I know that you’re right. But something tells me that she’s hiding something else..” Chris defeatedly said, slumping back on the couch. Even Dodger seemed down and whined in your pillow with your fainting smell with each passing day that you were not home, they were both hating it and not having you was not something that was constantly bothering him for he now couldn’t imagine his life without you.
> 
> #  ***** 🩺🥼*****
> 
> _The list just grew, again._
> 
> The red numbers in the board, a loud reminder to everyone of the non-stop battle that they were losing, _big time_. Masks were scarce, gloves, scrubs and other necessary implements were also running low, beds were occupied and other areas to attend to other patients had to also be improvised. Your energy levels were on the floor, you were basically dragging your legs at this point and if your loose fitting uniform indicated anything then you had definitely lost some weight too at the same time that your airways felt even more constricted by the minute
> 
> **_Chris_ **
> 
> _Your loving husband never left your mind._ You were working your ass off for your patients as much as you prayed that you didn’t have to see any of your loved ones crossing through the emergency doors. You didn’t think that you would have the strength to witness that, much less to personally deal with it, your entire world would crumble and you weren’t sure if you would be able to survive it, maybe you would but not uscathed, _not without losing a piece of you with them._
>
>> _“Whatever it is, DO NOT keep anything away from me, do you hear me? ⟦…⟧ you know that I’ll be here, just one phone call away”_
> 
> You hastily removed your protective suit into the decontamination area, angrily rubbing the soap over your skin as if to wash away the dreadful constriction on your chest or the endless pit of anguish that cursed through your veins. You put back your mask and face shield on to shakingly hand the board over to the desk nurse just as another patient coded on the next room, you let out a stiffled sorrowful sigh _but you didn’t move_ as if your feet were stuck to the ground
> 
> **_The walls began to shrink on you_ **
> 
> **_You were short of breath_ **
> 
> **_Silent tears streamed down your face_ **
> 
> **_… You were having a panic attack_ **
> 
> You needed to talk to Chris, _you had to._ You felt your fellow doctor graze your shoulder letting you know that he got it, while silently motioning for you to take a breather. _You didn’t hesitate this time around._ You pushed the doors open as you lowered your face mask to let the fresh air push its way into your burning lungs. 
> 
> _**The weight was too much** _
> 
> “How are you holding up?” You hear a familiar voice ask, Dr. Mike Muller, one of the other doctors that probably had more time than you living at the hospital and with whom you were probably better acquainted. He had a pregnant wife with compromising medical conditions and a small child, _he could not risk getting them sick._
> 
> “Is that even possible?” You looked at him funny seeing his confused expression “ _To hold up that is?_ ” You could sense an unfamiliar heat rising to the surface, making you feel broiling and bothered
> 
> “Well, _it’s not up for debate._ We _must_ hold up, if not for ourselves then for the patients that depend on us to care for them and for those waiting for us at home” He calmly said
> 
> “How can you be _so eerily_ calmed??” You questioned him, you were falling apart while he remained his usual stoic self “We’re struggling to get scraps to carry on with our work, I’ve signed more death certificates in the past few weeks than I’ve ever done in my entire career!! _AND_ _they’re dying alone with no one to give them one last hug!!”_ You were crying by now, yet he didn’t say anything, he simply let you let it out all out
> 
> “ _Are you done?_ ” He asked, as your sobbing turned into soft sniffles nodding your head “So, you think that because I’m not bawling my eyes out that I’m not getting the burn from this?” You did not answer, feeling the accusatory tone of your earlier words “ _We’re all in the same boat Dr. Evans_. We just deal with it differently, we all wish for this to be over but we all know that this is far from that.” He briefly paused, taking a moment to admire the small garden in front of you 
> 
> “ _Want unsolicited advice?”_ He said, looking intently to you, six feet apart and still in your respective scrubs “ _Call your husband… **THEY**_ are the reason why we keep going and we don’t know for how long that will be” He nonchalantly said, letting the words sink. A short gasp of realization left your lips. You watched his retreating figure as you hesitantly took your phone out from your pocket, your finger trembling above his name 
> 
> _**1…** _
> 
> _**2…** _
> 
> _**3…** _
> 
> **_“Hello? Sweetheart that’s you!!”_** He beamed at finally seeing your face, even if it was through a screen
> 
> “I’m so sorry baby! I didn’t mean to leave you hanging this long… I know that I’ve been really selfish it’s just that _I–”_ You didn’t know that you were rambling and almost out of air until you heard him call your name
> 
> _**“Hey, hey… It’s okay, it’s okay. Just breathe in for me, love!”**_ He softly said, his alleviating voice pulling at the strings of your already shattered heart 
> 
> _“I miss you”_ You cried “I miss you so freakin much that it hurts and I can’t even express it” You brokenly said “I just… I–” You couldn’t finish that sentence, how did you put into words the hurricane that was wildly swirling inside you?
> 
> _**“You don’t have to tell me, sweetheart… just…it’s really good to see you again”**_ He said in a cracked voice, you could see his eyes tearing up too 
> 
> “ _Oh, Chris._..” You were sniffling and fighting back the tears at this point “ _They’re all dying…_ we can’t save them, _we–we try,,, we really do but.._.” You hiccupped “We are losing them and –it’s just not working” Your lips quivered as another batch of fresh tears and a strangled sob racked your body. Your hand shook as you heard his sniffles, **_he was crying with you._** You missed **_his hugs, his warmth, the way his voice fanned over your ear, the way his words made you shiver, your heart longed for him._**
> 
> _**But he was not here** _
> 
> _**You could not go home, not yet** _
> 
> You had the social and ethical obligation to stay until the end, but your body and mind screamed at you to stop, your heart _begged_ you, to rest just for a moment. _But you just didn’t have a moment_
>
>> _** Keep holding on ** _
>
>> _** ‘Cause you know we’ll make it through ** _
>
>> _** We’ll make it through ** _
>
>> _** Just stay strong ** _
>
>> _** ‘Cause you know I’m here for you ** _
>
>> _** I’m here for you ** _
>
>> _** There’s nothing you could say ** _
>
>> _** Nothing you could do ** _
>
>> _** There’s no other way when it comes to the truth ** _
>
>> _** So keep holding on ** _
>
>> _** ‘Cause you know we’ll make it through ** _
>
>> _** We’ll make it through ** _
> 
> “I wanna go home, but I can’t Chris, _I can’t”_ A silent understanding between you both, no words had to be uttered for you to know where your hearts laid. Seconds or minutes, you really didn’t know, passed before another word was said
> 
> _**“Listen to me love, you must be strong. I can see how drained you are, we are missing you way too much and there’s nothing that I wish more than to run over there to bring you back home with me… but you said it yourself, it cannot be done right now”**_ He paused, his bright eyes showing you everything that his words couldn’t convey “ _ **–I love you with all my heart and I’m really proud of you”**_ Then as you took in his love-filled face, the pieces started to fall into place
> 
> Something clicked in you
> 
> _Oh…_
> 
> _Oh no…_
> 
> _No, no, no…_
> 
> “ _Oh, Chris…_ I love you more than what words can express. _**Please never forget that**_ ” You said, pressing a soft kiss on your fingers and letting them linger over the screen. You could see him do the same as you ended the call.
> 
> Cold sweat broke through your skin, your brain going at a thousand miles per second, a dark cloud suddenly overshadowing the ephemeral reverie of having seen and heard Chris. Your short lived conversation sounding as the last one you’d ever have
> 
> #  ***** 🩺🥼*****
> 
> It had been almost a day since you talked earlier that morning, Chris was staying over at his mom’s place so was Scott. She had been the biggest support for him during the past few months that you were away, always giving him that reassuring smile alongside the words that you were doing okay, _that you’d be back soon_. Your call had done nothing to quench _**his need to see you, to hear you, to be with you,**_ if anything it had only confirmed his suspicions that you were _**NOT**_ doing okay. You were sporting bags under your eyes, your usually bright orbs seemed dull and you definitely looked overworked and stressed. But you had told him not to worry, _**that you loved him.**_
> 
> **_He did not expect to receive THIS call in the middle of dinner_ **
> 
> Pindrop silence engulfed the room the moment the silverware touched the floor, his eyes went wide as saucers filled to the brim with unshed tears as he covered his mouth with his hand to stop the heart wrenching scream that was threatening to escape, all eyes were now on him
> 
> “ _Chris? Son!_ What ’s going on?” Lisa cautiously asked, watching her distressed son pace around the room speaking over the phone
> 
> “Please! Tell me how’s she? Can I go see her? _**TELL ME SOMETHING GOD DAMMIT!!”**_ He yelled the last part , making both Lisa and Scott flinch back at his harsh tone. He cowarded to a side before plopping down on the couch with a heavy thud. It was then when they knew that something was wrong with _**you**_ , none other would ever evoke such a reaction on him but **_you_**.
> 
> “ _Chris_ , say something” Scott chimed, afraid of laying a finger over his agitated brother. It wasn’t until their mother took a seat next to him, extending her arm over him, when he finally reacted instinctively leaning on her
> 
> “ ** _She’s got it ma…”_** As the words slipped through, shocked gasps were heard “– _my wife…_ ” He choked in a sob “…they said that _shh–she’s in the ICU and we cannot see her!!_ ” Chris barely managed to say before the tears freely streamed down his face
> 
> #  ***** 🩺🥼*****
> 
> You had finished your call with Chris, _as a new reinvigorated strength cursed through your veins_. These patients, _they were not alone, you were with them, all of you were._ They too were someone else’s family member and loved ones, and for a moment you had lost perspective of the dedication that you had for your profession, _no_ , you didn’t stop caring for them yet the energy and mental sharpness with which you did so had unknowingly dwindled and it was just brought up to your attention after Dr. Muller and Chris’ words. But as you dwelled into such thoughts, the main concern that was at the forefront of our mind suddenly took the backseat as your name was loudly called in the speakers 
> 
> — _“Dr. Evans, please, present at the ER”—_
> 
> And with that, another round of hectic influx of new patients required your attention. That was the last thing that you recalled before, _once again,_ losing yourself into it and forgetting about the very important task that you had wanted to do earlier that day.
> 
> The overpowering lightheadedness took you by surprise as much as the acute sting in your chest drawn with each breath. You had mistakenly taken your earlier symptoms as part of a panic attack instead of what they really were, you had become a master in hiding the true state of your health and because of that you were now paying the high price for it. **_This could not be happening to you, not right now, not like this_**
>
>> **_So far away_ **
>
>> **_I wish you were here_ **
>
>> **_Before it’s too late_ **
>
>> **_This could all disappear_ **
> 
> “ _Dr. Evans, Are you okay_?” Millie, one of the nurses asked you
> 
> It was then that you noticed that you had leaned on the wall for support as unwelcome blak spots danced around in your sight and an unexpected heat traveled up and down your body. You shrugged it off, simply nodding before attempting to take another step, only to fall down unconscious to the floor
> 
> “ ** _DR. EVANS!!”_** She yelled in panic as she rushed over to your side, familiar voices and known blurred faces trying to bring you back from the brink of darkness, _**but it was too late**_
> 
> #  ***** 🩺🥼*****
> 
> He couldn’t take it anymore, each time he called they gave him the same answer
>
>> _**‘We’re doing all we can, she’s stable but no visitors are allowed’** _
> 
> “ _FUCK.IT!_ ” He yelled into the empty house, his hands balled into a fist. He had ignored his mother’s pleas to stay with them, the wait was driving him crazy. He hastily put his mask on, took his car keys and drove away
> 
> This was something that he was always so scared about, it was not just about committing to someone for life, _it was about the fear of losing that someone once he had committed to ‘em and given ‘em his heart._ Just the way it was happening right now, he felt his heartbeat in a painful erratic rhythm as your smiling face popped in his mind. Now, here he was at the hospital doors, the same ones that he had dropped you off at so many times before, he still recalled the wide grin you always had, simply so excited about another day doing what you loved.
> 
> “Excuse me, I came to see Mrs. Evans, I’ve been told that she’s in the ICU. I need to see her” He rushed at the baffled nurse, who had clearly recognized him
> 
> “Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Evans but right now due to the current COVID protocols patient’s visitation has been restricted. It is not possible for you to see her at the moment, I do can confirm however that _sh–”_
> 
> “She’s estable and you’re doing all you can… _yeah, yeah I know, I know…_ I’ve been told so over the phone. **_MULTIPLE_** times. It does not help **_AT ALL_** ” He angrily huffed “What I need you to do is to call whoever it is that you need to call to, to let me get in there to see **_MY WIFE!!”_** He couldn’t hold back his temper, You were dying for all that he knew, alone in a room and hooked up to machines, he was losing his mind
> 
> “I’m sorry but this is the way things are and there’s nothing that we can do to change that” She softly said. He let his head fall into his hands, hitting the counter with a loud thud 
> 
> “ _ **DAMN IT!**_!” He shouted, slightly distancing from the counter
> 
> “Please Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to remain calm and to retire or I’m gonna have to be obliged to call security” She said, fear written all over her face. Something that he saw, making him sigh with regret mouthing an apology to her
> 
> “That won’t be necessary Jane” A well-known voice said behind him, making his ears perk up “I’ll take it from here” He said, wearing his protective mask, gloves and face shield on
> 
> “Mike!! That’s you… _thanks God!_!” Chris called, recognizing him as your colleague, Dr. Muller. You were not the closest of friends but he definitely was a great man and he and his family had been at your place for a weekend BBQ on a couple of occasions, before the pandemic broke out. “Please tell me something new!! They’re keeping me in the dark!!” He pleaded
> 
> “ _Come with me”_ Mike said, walking him to an empty side of the hall, a bit further away from the waiting room “Look, I understand how hard this must be for you as it is for all those others that you saw on your way here. Everyone has a loved one fighting for their lives under the same conditions, there’s _**NO**_ especial treatment here for _**ANYONE**_ , if we were to do so then everyone would crowd the rooms instead of being following the safety protocols” He carefully remarked his words to make Chris see the ramifications of the situation, he sighed in frustration
> 
> “I wish that I could give you better news Chris, but I can’t. ‘ _She’s stable_ ’ it’s a way to let you know that based on the results of her tests she’s not in a critical condition just yet, she’s fighting… _hard_. But things are not as simple as that”
> 
> “What do you mean? Is she awake? _Please_ …whatever it is, just tell me. I _**NEED**_ to know” He could already feel the tears filling his eyes
> 
> “Look…She’s unconscious right now, she was on and off at first before we took the decision to sedate her and move her to the ICU. Not only did she come back positive for COVID, but she was heavily dehydrated and malnourished, honestly? if I had to guess most of us are right now. She, as many others, has been working on double shifts…for months and without a break. We don’t really get much of a time to eat or rest” Dr. Muller said, as a pang of guilt washed through Chris
> 
> “I’m sorry… I should have been paying more attention, should have pushed her harder to tell me…I just–I” No words could be formed
> 
> “Not really your fault Mr.Evans… Your missus is one really strong willed woman, I highly doubt that if you had pushed her that she would have admitted to feeling as down as she was…” He nodded “–I can’t lie to you, all the patients that enter into the ICU have high risks of further complications, right now we haven’t seen any alarming signs beyond what we can control but it all depends on her and how her immune system handles the virus”
> 
> “Is there anything else that can be done? Shall I work on transferring her to another hospital or something?” Chris asked
> 
> “Doubting us now Chris?” Mike teased, making Chris let a small inward chuckle
> 
> “No, no.. I didn’t mean it like that” He softly shook his head to an amused tired-looking Mike
> 
> “I know…Look, she’s one of us. We’re not gonna let her down as she hasn’t done to any of her patients. But this is an individual fight, there’s not much that a high end hospital can do for her right now, other than to place her in a bigger room with an expensive bed and a flat screen that she can’t enjoy and a hefty bill for you to pay. I suggest you go home, get some rest. You’ll gonna need it”
> 
> “Shouldn’t I be the one telling you that?”
> 
> “Maybe, not that I could anyways. We all got patients to look after and families to take care of, we cannot risk going home and getting them sick” Mike sighed, thinking on his own little crew and the last time that he had hugged them and kissed them, a pained expression etched on his face that did not go unnoticed by Chris
> 
> “I’m sorry, I really am… I was being an asshole over there. I wasn’t looking at the whole picture here just selfishly worried over my wife” He said ashamed of having lost his cool, his hands rested over his hips
> 
> “It’s your wife… I guess that we would all go ballistic if we were placed in your shoes.” Chris quirked up his brows, before meeting Mike’s quizzical look, making him slightly tilt his head to the side “What I’m gonna suggest right now, _DOES NOT_ leave this room and it never happened. Am I clear?” He lowly said, Chris rapidly nodded not knowing what his intent was with this
> 
> “You’re gonna calmly leave right now, once you’re home by yourself, you’re gonna text me and I’m gonna video call you so you can see her” He said, Chris’ eyes going unbelievably wide, frantically nodding “This will be a one time thing and not a normal recurrence. I could get in serious problems if I get caught, but I’m doing this for her. For everything that she has done for all of us and her patients, she deserves this.” He finished
> 
> “Thank you, you have no idea how much this means to me” Chris said with a silent understanding between the two 
> 
> #  ***** 🩺🥼*****
> 
> _He wished that he hadn’t seen you._
> 
> Not that he regretted it, he needed it, but now he had the image stuck to his brain and a dagger twisting inside his heart. Your sulken figure laid in the bed, wires and machines connected to you all over. He could hear his own heart shattering in a thousand pieces, the tears freely falling down from their dam.
> 
> **_Vulnerability_** …
> 
> **_Fragility…_ **
> 
> _**Strength—** _
> 
> You looked so peaceful, yet there was something else– an unexplainable oozing of strength… you were fighting, you were not giving up. That should have been enough for him, but then _why did the world seem as if it was crashing down on him? Why did it feel as if he was losing you? Had that one passionate night those few months ago been the last one that you would ever share? Had you known back then that those would be the last kisses you would ever give him?_
>
>> **_Before the doors close_ **
>
>> **_And it comes to an end_ **
>
>> **_With you by my side, I will find and defend_ **
>
>> **_I’ll fight and defend_ **
>
>> **_Yeah, yeah_ **
> 
> This was not happening… ** _yet it was._** The gut wrenching silence clogging the house, the excruciating reminder of an emptiness that he did not wish to ever go back to. The ever growing melancholy of your absence drilling a hole in his anguished-filled heart, as the coldness of your empty side of the bed numbed his bones at nights and the vivid flashbacks of each one of your curves and crevices, every detail of your face and voice, your sleeping form next to him, or your writhing form beneath him moaning his name, or just your happy dancing in his kitchen to some 80’s jams while cooking his favorites dishes in those silly socks and crazy shirts… all of it filled his every thought of his awakened self during the day. He fell against the wall as he reminisced in every memory that you shared together
> 
> _That was how his mother and brother found him_
> 
> “Chris?! Oh my God!! What happened??” Lisa worriedly asked him, carefully crouching next to him, pulling his head to rest on her chest
> 
> “Is she…??” Scott didn’t finish the question, they all knew the meaning of the unspoken words
> 
> “ ** _No_** … she’s alive” He barely managed to say in between the hard sobs that were racking his body. He was a strong man, but he was just a broken husband right now.
> 
> “Then why are you like this??” Scott pressured “You’re worrying us bro” He softly said, as Chris slowly lifted his head up, looking up at them with a tear stricken face
> 
> “She’s not well ma, _I saw her…_ I got to see her,,, she is all hooked up to machines breathing for her, _**my wife is fighting for her life-**_ -thats what they didn’t want to tell me” There was a sombre silent engulf the room as Lisa and Scott looked at each other with baffled pained expressions. You were family, they cared for you, **_loved you._** Knowing that you were at the hospital in such a state tugged their hearts too. Chris’ sisters had called too in hopes of hearing any updates
> 
> “They don’t know if she’ll make it through or not” The last words, letting the news dawn on them, **_you could die, you could join the long list of victims COVID has taken_**
> 
> ##  _**October 2020** _
> 
> _**6 long weeks** _
> 
> These past few weeks were the longest, most horrible weeks of his life. His family was his biggest support, even when he had proved to be highly volatile emotionally, there wasn’t a single day when he hadn’t called the hospital to make sure that you were still stable and he did not miss the chance to ask Dr.Muller about you whenever it arose. 
> 
> After that one fateful night and short lived but deep conversation with him, Chris had opened his eyes towards something that maybe his privilege or willing ignorance had stopped him from fully seeing and understanding about what it was really involved in your job. The way you had broken down the last time that you talked over the phone and Mike’s words deeply touched his core. And what not to say about the free meals he bought for the medical staff, everyone was definitely grateful for the warm tasty meals as opposed to the prepacked microwaved ones they got at the hospital or the snacks from the vending machines.
> 
> Now, it was here, the coveted day when Chris finally received the call that he had been anxiously expecting. His heart was longing for so much and there was nothing that anyone could tell him to dim his energies down.
> 
> “Chris, you gotta calm down or you’re gonna freak everyone out over there!” Scott tried to reason with him
> 
> “I can’t keep calm Scott! Would you for once try to put yourself on my shoes? It’s my _**wife**_ that we’re talking about here!” He shouted at him
> 
> “I know… It’s _**MY**_ sister-in-law here Chris!! Don’t forget that we love her too!! You know what??” He raised his hands on mock surrender “Just leave now, go and bring her home!!” He said, making Chris release a loud chuckle 
> 
> #  ***** 🩺🥼*****
> 
> He was anxiously waiting at the doors, he had a lengthy discussion with Dr. Muller about everything that would entail your post-COVID19 aftercare process, including an additional period of isolation to ensure that not only you fully recovered but also that you were not exposed to the virus again, as the way antibodies work was still being studied and no clear results had been given yet. He agreed to everything he was told, he had even gone ahead and not only hired an specialized team to sanitize his whole house but he also bought every available item of home respiratory therapy including those holistic herbal ones. Maybe you would tell him it was too much, _**no**_ , correction, you _**WILL**_ tell him that it was not needed but he wanted to be prepared for you.
> 
> He had no problem in taking it all as it came, surprisingly enough he and his team had been able to manage to keep your hospitalization underwraps so far. He was really proud that you had fought so hard, yet the fear of losing you never dimmed in the least bit and just the thought still gave him the chills and nightmares at night. And what was even more important, _**you**_ , he didn’t know whether or not you would want it to be revealed to the public and if so in which way you’d want it to happen. So, he told Megan that he made sure they understood and abided by his words, shall you wish it to be released then he would take care of it under his own terms not Hollywood’s PR machine, not this time around, _**not when it came to you.**_
> 
> All of his processing thoughts were stopped as the doors clicked open, the bright light from the back making you look like an angel coming down from heaven, although you felt nothing even remotely close to that. If anything, you felt like shit, you knew the side effects left from the long period in respiratory assistance would last for a long time and it would take months if not years before your lungs went back to the way they once were, and not quite like that. And no more couple exercise for you either, not that you were really complaining about that. 
> 
> Your face lit up the moment your eyes met Chris’ enthralling ones as your heart missed a beat and your legs carried you into his arms. The warm safety that you had longed for the past 2 weeks, when you had finally come out from the deep pits of hell. The first thing that you had done was to call him, you couldn’t speak well back then but to watch him cry happy tears was more than worthy for you both.
> 
> He tightly embraced you as if afraid that if he let you go that you would lose you again, your only regret about your reunion was how you couldn’t share intimately just yet, as per protocols. But, _oh weren’t you looking forward to it!_ And the shit eating grin that was etched on his face?? You couldn’t be any more grateful that you had him as your husband and the whole ordeal left you with a deeper appreciation for life and pride for the hard work all your co-workers and other healthcare workers did all the time.
> 
> “I missed you so much love” He cried on your hair, you nodded letting him pull you impossibly closer to him
> 
> “I love you” You hoarsely said, locking your eyes with his adoring ones
> 
> “You have no idea how makes me to have you in my arms again” He said wiping away a treacherous tear
> 
> “Oh, and so do we!” Mike’s voice rang behind you “You have no idea how this man blew my phone off until the day I told him you had opened your eyes again” He said with a soft smile on making you smile behind your face mask, although they could not see your lips your eyes spoke for you “We are really happy to watch you back on your feet Dr. Evans. It’s now time for you to go back home to recover before you join the lines again” He said as you felt Chris slightly tense beneath your fingers
> 
> _“I will Mike_ … As long as I’m _**really**_ back to my feet and as long as my husband lets me out of his sight..” You sweetly said, knowing Chris would blanket you from the entire world now, but this was a discussion for another day. The second you looked back into him you saw the promise of his never ending love and support. He had not only heard your passion for you job, he had witnessed it, lived it, and there was no way on earth that he would ever stop you from doing this and if anything his pride and admiration grew exponentially.
> 
> What you didn’t count on was to see your fellow healthcare workers, to fare bid their goodbyes ( _or see you later depending on perspectiv_ e) with a beautiful big bouquet of flowers and get well soon cards
> 
> “What is all of this about?” You asked surprised at the kind gesture with tears in your eyes
> 
> “We thought we should do this as a thank you for all you’ve done. You might not remember Dr. Evans but you were there for my grandma when she passed away. We couldn’t be there for her, but you were. And many of us felt the same way.” Millie said with tears of her own, recalling the sad passing of _Mrs. Jensen_. You nodded, holding their token of appreciation tight against your chest
> 
> “It wasn’t just me Millie… _**All of you deserve this too, many of you haven’t been home for months now and continue to work even harder than I ever did…”**_ You paused to breathe in, feeling Chris comforting rub in your back “… _ **Thank You all from the bottom of my heart and please–take care of yourselves. I–I know that this is a really hard task to accomplish but try your best to look after yourselves too because we need you, all of you”**_ You finished, feeling the first of many setbacks left by this heinous virus. But with a grateful heart that could not put into words everything that you truly wished to tell them. 
> 
> _**But they knew** _
> 
> _**They stood together** _
> 
> _**They would keep holding on** _
> 
> _**They would make it till the end** _
> 
> **A/N:** That was it, thank you very much for reading. I know that nothin could really make them justice, but I gave it my best shot. Like I said, the intention was not to be an accurate depiction of medical procedures, protocols or even the virus itself but instead to show a little bit of what they’re going through based on what I could gather online. So, to all healthcare personnel and front liners out there, please forgive my lack of a better understanding and accuracy about everything that’s involved in what you do, but do know how much you’re appreciate it and how much we wish you to be safe despite the hectic circumstances that you might face.
> 
> #  _**Thank you for reading!!! ❤️❤️❤️** _


End file.
